


Life Behind the Scenes: The Later Years

by Gabby (Kirahsoka)



Series: Where I've Always Been [9]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Original Trilogy, Star Wars: Rebels, Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Fantasy, Darkness, Deleted Scenes, Extended Scene, F/F, Family Feels, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Meaningful & Longer, Random & Short, happiness
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-30
Updated: 2019-11-30
Packaged: 2020-09-26 12:17:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,417
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20389582
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kirahsoka/pseuds/Gabby
Summary: This is a collection of deleted scenes and one-shots for Parts 5-8 of the “Where I’ve Always Been” universe. Stories in this collection occur within the context of “Family Expansion”, “Complicated”, “Past is Prologue”, and “Shining Future”.Unlike previous works in this series, most of these won't make sense if you haven't read the associated story. I've put what each one is from, who is in it, and spoiler warnings in the chapter summaries. You can skip through as needed. I'll add new ones as I have them!If you’re interested in “Where I’ve Always Been”, “True Failure”, or “Loyal Soldier” extras, you can find those in the first "Life Behind the Scenes" (Part 4 of the series).





	1. At Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Riela Shan tries to adjust to more new family members and a changed reality.
> 
> From Complicated, Chapter 12. It is set directly after Shan meets the returned Phoenix members and prior to Caleb teaching Shan the game that evening.  
* Spoiler warning for _Complicated_ and _Shining Future_ *

A laughing Sabine leaned against her arm as Ezra re-enacted Zeb’s supposed tumble from a horse. Slipping her hand into the other woman’s, Shan’s gaze floated over the arrayed members of Phoenix Squadron. _Strange._ She felt at home and yet out of place at the same time. _Why?_

Apparently having enough, Zeb tackled Ezra mid-crouch and a minor tussle ranged across the sitting room floor.

Awkward astonishment at the childish behavior from grown men bled into content amusement. Something about the silly interaction was comforting. _They're real. Themselves. It’s a family. My family. So, why do I feel weird?_

Between Sabine’s capture, their evolving relationship, expanding revelations, and gaining a new family, recent events had been disconcerting to say the least. However, somewhere in the process, she had gotten accustomed to the various personalities. Phoenix, though, was new and seemed to have a different dynamic altogether. Shan didn’t quite know what to make of them.

A thumb began stroking hers. Surfacing from the self-analysis, she tilted her head and brushed lips over Sabine’s forehead.

The woman smiled tentatively. “Are you ok? You seem kind of… off.”

She shrugged. “Feels a little odd, I suppose. New family, new job, new reality or something.”

Sabine tightened their hands. “For me too. Sitting at home, watching my family do their thing, you beside me—it’s crazy but absolutely perfect.”

Bringing their interlocked fingers to her lips, Shan kissed them for a long moment. “You are absolutely perfect.”

Burning intensity leapt into the sienna eyes. “Gods, if you keep this up, I’m going to give up all pretense of politeness to our excited family and forcibly drag you to a more private location post-haste.”

“Mmm, now that would be just _terrible._ I’m not sure I could handle it.”

Grinning, Sabine returned her head to Shan’s arm with a content sigh. “You are adorable.”

An airy voice interjected, “Are you two done over there? We’d like to finish our story now.”

Shan jerked attention back to the group. An impish Ezra along with three other affectionately amused faces stared at them. Heat spattered her neck.

“So sorry,” Sabine retorted. “We’d hate to interrupt the retelling of how you and Zeb spent the entire mission arguing and trying to knock each other off your horses. I’m sure the next part will involve Caleb contributing snarky commentary, while Hera exerted every shred of self-control to keep from strangling you all.”

There were glares from everyone except Hera, who chuckled. “See? No need to recount the mission. Sabine already has the general outline.”

The glares switched focus, but Hera simply smiled at Sabine. “We did miss you, though. Of course, you clearly had more pressing matters to attend to.” She winked at Shan. “Speaking of, I do want to hear about this garrison commander that managed to capture you. Barriss seemed to think he was a formidable enemy.”

“He was,” Sabine confirmed. “I told her we should find out more about him. He could be a real danger in future, especially to Leia’s operations in Corellia. Of course, Barriss had already put out a details request to our contacts, before I even mentioned it,” she ended dryly.

There were multiple snorts.

Shan observed the differing reactions as Sabine started recounting her capture and interactions with the garrison commander. Caleb appeared disinterested, yet asked a couple of pointed, analytical questions. Hera was concerned and wanted as much detail as possible. Ezra was eager to hear about the mission itself, rather than the commander. And Zeb alternated between worried and dismissive comments about the new threat. _Interesting._

“Rie will have to fill in details on the rescue mission planning,” Sabine finished. “I was a bit tied up at the time.”

Pulling herself out of her thoughts, Shan responded, “I’m not sure I’ll be able to tell you much. Leia and Barriss were the masterminds. Honestly, I spent most of the time anxious, confused and meeting a bunch of people I thought were dead!”

Hera chuckled and asked, “Did everyone arrive in time?”

Shan nodded. “Basically. Ahsoka and Luke made a last-minute appearance to save the day.”

Caleb grunted. “Typical.”

“Though,” she continued thoughtfully, “we planned it that way. I mean, we chose the strategy that would allow extra time for them to arrive, just in case. Actually, I’m pretty sure that was the moment I went over the edge.”

Everyone raised eyebrows.

Shan gave them a wan smile. “I made the mistake of asking why in the world we would choose that plan, simply on the off chance that Ahsoka and Luke would show up, when we had no idea if they even had gotten the message. You would have thought I had committed a crime against the Great Force itself by the reaction I got.”

“Ah.” Hera gazed at her. “But you must have shown some kind of faith, dear, or you wouldn’t be here now.”

Her mouth parted. “Is _that_ what they were looking for? Well, good thing I answered the way I did, then.” Realization hit her. “Oh. Now, I understand. Clever, Leia, very clever.” She smiled distantly. “Thanks for the push.”

That got her confused stares in response.

Returning an innocent expression, Shan commented, “What? I thought we threw out vague and incomprehensible statements we never explain in this family? If that’s not true, someone better start answering my entire list of questions.”

Everyone burst into laughter as a new voice rang out, “I heard a rumor that my long-lost family had come home, but I didn’t believe it. Because, _surely_, they would have said hello.” Ahsoka strolled in with an engaging grin.

There were rolled eyes, accompanied by happy smiles. Ezra bounded up to the woman and threw arms around her.

“Hey, buddy. Successful mission?”

He puffed out his chest. “Of course. You expected any less from the soldier of destiny?”

Ahsoka brushed knuckles over his face. “Never doubted it.” Then, she gave quick hugs to the rest of Phoenix, before standing beside Caleb. “I’m glad to see you made it back without killing each other.”

Hera massaged her temples. “It was a close thing.”

“If it tells you anything,” Caleb added ruefully, “this mission reminded me of the Cestus operation.”

Ahsoka cringed. “That bad, huh?”

Ezra’s eyes lit up. “I don’t know about that one. When was that?”

“A very long time ago,” another voice answered. A grinning Rex strode into the room. “Pretty sure that was when the young Caleb decided he would never again go with us on an extended mission.”

The man in question responded airily, “I don’t know what you mean, Rex. It just so happened to work out that way. Total coincidence.”

“Uh huh.” Rex grabbed him in a headlock, digging knuckles into his scalp.

Quickly slipping out of the hold, Caleb glared and smiled at the same time. “Really? You’d think you would give that up once I reached the age of thirty.”

“Never happening, kid.”

Ezra smirked, apparently pleased Caleb was being harassed by Rex.

Shan watched them interact, interest peaking higher. Caleb obviously had a longer history with at least Rex and Ahsoka than the others. _I wonder how long? Force, I have so many questions._

Ahsoka put in, “Anyway, nice try, buddy. You know the quid pro quo.”

Ezra waved his hand. “Yeah, yeah.”

“Quid pro quo?” Shan questioned. “Is this another family secret?”

Ahsoka grinned shrewdly. “Oh my. No one has taught you the rules of the game. Sabine, what _have_ you two been doing?”

Sabine looked awkward, but Shan laughed. “We had important things to discuss. I had Sabine’s whole life to learn about, you know.”

“Uh huh.” Ahsoka raised mischievous eyebrows. “I guess I’ll let it go this time.”

“And?” Shan glanced around at everyone. “Does that mean I get an explanation or not?”

Rex laughed. “I’ll fill you in later, Rie. Don’t trust anything these jokers tell you.” He pointed to Ahsoka. “Especially that one. You’ll be waiting years for an answer.”

“Will you get over that?” Ahsoka cried. “One story, that was one story!”

The edges of his mouth twitched. “Never getting over it, Princess.”

Ezra piped up, “If it helps, I don’t know half of what they’re talking about either.”

Shan gave him a bright smile. “At least, I have someone to keep me company.”

He flushed and gave her an endearingly clumsy bow. “It is my honor to serve such a beautiful lady.”

There was a hiss from Sabine and her hand tightened around Shan’s.

Shooting a bemused look at the woman, Shan turned back to the group. “And don’t worry, Uncle Rex. I'm _very_ familiar with Ahsoka's method of answering questions, or rather her lack thereof.”

The Phoenix members started. “Uh,” Zeb drawled, “did you just say _Uncle_ Rex?”

Shan stiffened. _Is it ok that I still call him that?_

“Yep.” Rex cracked his knuckles. “She sure did and don’t you forget it. Anyone messes with my girl, deals with me.”

Heart swelling, Shan smiled happily at him, and he winked back.

Ezra threw up his hands. “Ugh. Guess that means no hazing the shiny, Zeb. Sabine is one thing. No way I’m risking Rex’s wrath.”

Sabine glared but seemed relieved, making Shan wonder if she actually had in fact been in danger of being hazed.

Rex nodded approval. “You’re learning, kid.”

Yet another new arrival in the form of Barriss appeared. She quirked an eyebrow. “Good thing I didn’t wait in my office for any returning family to drop by.”

Caleb straightened from his slouch, eyes brightening. “Well, I wanted to see you first thing, of course. But someone,” he threw a small scowl at Hera, “ordered me to my room.”

The Twi’lek crossed arms and muttered under her breath.

Striding across the room, Caleb performed a gentlemanly bow and kissed Barriss’ hand. “My lady.”

She smiled affectionately and placed a hand on his cheek. “I missed you, my charming boy.”

Shan was once again fascinated. There was a deeper current to this interaction. _So many questions._

Barriss shifted attention to the others, smile widening. “We missed all of you.” She floated over to Zeb and Ezra, kissing each one on the cheek.

As the chorus of chattering recommenced, Shan noticed Caleb saunter over to Hera and flash a jaunty grin. The woman sent exasperated eyes skyward. He winced. Leaning down, Caleb kissed her cheek and then whispered something. A reluctant smile appeared on her face, and she took his hand.

_Ah. Perhaps, this mission really did put them through a lot?_ Shan felt eyes on her and looked over at the staring Sabine. “What?”

“It’s like you’re entranced or something.”

She kissed the dainty nose, before wrapping an arm around her. “Just making a list of questions for later.”

Sabine grinned and laid her head on Shan’s shoulder. “Still adorable.”

In that moment, Shan realized the out of place feeling had vanished._ Huh. Wonder why? Oh, who cares. I have a family and Sabine is next to me._ She closed her eyes, taking in the feeling. _Gods, I’m happy._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been so long since I wrote "Complicated", I almost forgot this deleted scene existed! As such, I can't remember the exact reasons I cut it. I suspect it was unnecessary, since I dealt with Shan & Sabine's adjustment period in other ways and had an additional scene that same evening where Shan interacted with Phoenix (esp. Hera & Caleb) in a more meaningful way. This is also a pretty long scene that back then would have probably taken up half the chapter. While writing family interaction scenes is fun, they also tend to be clunky to construct, requiring tons of dialog tags and reaction shots. I usually don't like how they turn out without extensive editing and might have gotten tired of perfecting it, as well. Who knows! I do like that it illustrates Shan's observant and perceptive nature, which was (I think) one of the original goals when I wrote it.


	2. Recruitment

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> While in Corellia to help Echo, Barriss uses the opportunity to recruit Hans and Juliayl for her healing facility project. 
> 
> From Shining Future, Part 4: Healers and Warriors (Ch. 35)  
_If you haven't read SF, I doubt the below scenes will mean much. Still, minor spoiler warning for SF._

“This is very creative.”

Juliayl glanced up to see Master Allie hovering over a patient two beds down from her. “I’m sorry?”

Boyish enthusiasm shined back at her. It was an odd juxtaposition on his distinguished and stately face. “You’ve compensated for an inadequate supply of Tunis by supplementing it with Prioline. It would provide nearly equal treatment outcomes but is much more cost effective. Well done.”

Completing her rounds, she walked over to the legendary healer. “Yes, we adapt to circumstances.” She ran a hand through her hair, weariness settling into her soul once again. It was becoming a constant companion these days. “Not everything can be solved this easily, however.”

His expression drooped. “Yes, I face similar challenges. The resources for healing research do not come without stipulations. Whenever possible, I try to negotiate distribution options or fund my own. Too much of my work is put out of reach for those who need it most. I used to refuse to take on any research request that didn’t allow access for all. Then, after watching patients suffer from something I knew I could have healed, I realized it is better to find a cure that will help some—even if I do not control the result. Still, it is… disheartening.”

She gazed at him for a moment. _And this is the man you dismissed as a greedy sellout. You’ve become so bitter, Juliayl. Maybe it’s time for a change, before it’s too late._ “I know.” Her fingers trembled, and she curled them tightly. “When I watch a patient die from an ailment I could heal, if I only had enough resources to purchase the treatment, the temptation of changing professions is high.”

His lips compressed. “Well, I hope you will not. You are truly making a difference to all. It gives me comfort to know healers like you exist. Though, I do understand the urge on some level. I occasionally wonder if I should return to pure practice, perhaps doing this kind of work. Somewhere I can help everyone, regardless of their circumstances.” Allie smiled wanly. “Then, I discover a new treatment or cure and my spirit is renewed.”

Her mouth edged into a grin. “You are very different than I expected, Master.”

“I’m not sure if that is a compliment or not.”

Juliayl chuckled. “Definitely a compliment.”

His face brightened. “Would you be willing to show me some of your other creative solutions? I so rarely get out to see what other healers are doing in a practical environment.”

Smiling warmly, she gave a small bow. “I’d be honored.”

_______

Barriss peeked into the back room, finally spotting her objectives. “There you two are.”

The healers turned around, and Hans swept his arm over a storage cabinet. “Juliayl was showing me their ingenious method of extending the bandage supplies. Did you know if you re-wind them in a hex pattern you can maintain the same level of absorbency, but one roll lasts 13% longer?!”

Hiding amusement at his earnest excitement, Barriss answered, “Huh. That is certainly a great benefit.”

Juliayl looked at her, wisp of a smile playing around her own lips. “Indeed. Did you need us?”

“Yes, but not immediately. Please, finish your tour. My proposition can wait.”

They both raised eyebrows. “Oh, do go on,” the woman remarked. “Don’t leave us in suspense.”

Barriss grinned. “Alright. You may or may not be aware that Shili is being rebuilt and will soon be a fully operational kingdom. I’m commissioning a healing facility there within the next year. It would serve the current civilian population with expansion as the kingdom grows. The concept is to provide the same level of care for every citizen at sliding scale costs, determined by ranked profession and average income. Though, we may have to adjust that as we work out the kinks. Overall, the mission is to put quality, affordable care within reach to all.”

“Interesting,” Juliayl murmured. “How would you fund it? Even with a sliding scale, you may not be able to recoup all of the operational costs, assuming you truly plan to provide a full range of services and treatments.”

“Ah, I envision it as both a research and practice facility. Ground-breaking research could cover the expense of practice operations and still allow distribution of new treatments at a reasonable cost. I suspect that will not be sustainable in the long-term. It requires an equilibrium of volume at both ends. Once we hit a tipping point, I have other strategies. If all goes to plan, our cutting-edge reputation would attract additional wealth, talent, and its related advantages not only to the facility, but the kingdom as a whole. Those could be exploited as additional funding sources.”

Hans’ electric purple eyes lit up. “You mean research could be conducted unhindered by external demands or profit motives?”

“Exactly. I’m looking for two healers to lead it.” Fixing a pointed look at each of them, she continued, “One first-class practitioner, who is creative enough to serve all levels of patient in a cost-effective manner _and_ one first-class researcher, who is committed to providing benefits to the population without lining his own pockets or anyone else’s in the process.”

They glanced at each other and then Hans ruminated. “Hmm… it is a fascinating and tempting proposition.”

“It would take a good while to make it cost effective,” Juliayl mused. “Where is the originating funding?”

“The Sovereign Master has committed to subsidizing it from the royal treasury.”

She stared. “You’re joking.” Her brow scrunched. “Who is the Sovereign?”

“Ahsoka Tano, who was the princess of Shili prior to its destruction,” Barriss kept the answer simple. It was hard to tell how much people knew these days. Misinformation was rampant. She was interested to see the reaction.

The young healer blinked. “Isn’t she also a noted rebel leader?” She frowned. “Is that how you got her to agree to this arrangement? The Lady of the Rebellion cajoled her into using a new kingdom’s limited resources to fund something even wealthy kingdoms don’t prioritize?”

“I didn’t need to convince her,” Barriss said in bemusement. “She is very invested in the project and sees it as a way to attract diversity, prevent the spread of disease, and increase citizen satisfaction. For her, a healthy populace means an attractive and productive kingdom. In fact, she wanted something similar to the military system, which is no-cost for soldiers. However, that is not a sustainable model at the scale we are envisioning. I suggested the alterations I’ve already described. If we find ourselves successful, some no-cost care may be possible. In any case, I can guarantee support and have been given a free hand in design and implementation.”

Her eyes widened. “She must trust you a great deal.”

Barriss could barely keep a straight face. “I suppose she does.”

Hans put in wryly, “One would hope Ahsoka trusts her own wife.”

Juliayl’s mouth fell open. “Oh.” Then, she squinted. “You could have just said that in the first place.”

“Yes, I could have,” she replied innocently. Barriss turned her now spreading grin on Hans. “Personally, I believe it has more to do with the possibility of her favorite healer moving to Shili.”

The man snorted. “Ahsoka Tano and favorite healer are not words that belong in the same sentence. Have you forgotten what happened the last time I tried to get lekku scrapings?”

“Don’t be silly. Ahsoka only knocks over healers she likes, when fleeing the room.”

He grunted. “I hate to know what she does to the rest of them.”

Barriss chuckled. “You’re right. You don’t want to know. Besides, I’m positive she secretly enjoys the idea of being your prized patient.”

Hans laughed. “She is that. Do you know how many studies I’ve gotten out of her? Even our young healer here has read some of them.”

Juliayl twitched. “Wait. She’s Patient LJ from your human biomes work?”

His expression turned airy. “Oh, I can’t say. So many Togruta, so little time for a harried researcher. Hard to keep track of them all.”

Barriss shifted attention to her other target. “Rex said you are very committed to your work here, Juliayl, but you have time to find a replacement. And, in Shili, you could do even more. You would have support to make a real dent in the issue you feel so passionately about. There is an opportunity to build a new model for cost-effective yet equal care that other kingdoms could follow. Your work could help the entire world.”

She tapped fingers against her robe in apparent contemplation and then sighed. “I’ll think about it. I assume you don’t need an answer at this moment?”

“Of course not.” Including Hans, she winked. “I’m willing to wait for the best. And the best is you two.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a pretty non-essential bit, which is why it was cut. I didn't need to show Barriss recruiting the two healers to have them pop up later. The small character development for Juliayl had happened already during the earlier pieces of the chapter. While I enjoyed the Hans, Juliayl, Barriss dynamic, it wasn't necessary. So, out it went!


	3. Growing Pains

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After reconciling, Barriss and Caam talk through love, maturity, and confusion.
> 
> From Shining Future, Part 5: Always (Ch. 71)  
_Spoiler warning for SF_

“So, are you seeing anyone new since Thatcher?”

Caam stared. “How did you know about her?”

Barriss gave her a guilty smile. “Well, I was a spy. I have ways of keeping track of my philosophistical girl.”

Pleased at the idea, she brightened. “No. Hux is still harassing me, though. Do you know about him, too?”

She groaned. “Yes. Though, clearly you are a quick learner about what is and what is not for you.”

Caam puffed out her chest a bit. “Well, I had good role models, probably.”

Barriss laughed. “Your flattery skills have improved, as well.”

She rolled eyes skyward. “Whatever.”

Slender fingers ran over her lekku. “You’ve been quite the popular girl. Unsurprising. You are amazing and incredibly beautiful, my dear.”

Caam smiled crookedly. “Thanks.”

“Oh, now tell me about this Jungi that managed to somehow catch Karyna’s attention. I still can’t believe it.”

She threw up her hands. “Me neither. I only wanted Kayo to feel like she was part of my life, and my squad have been dying to meet her. So, she went to Jho’s with us a few times. Jungi managed to come out on top, I guess.” An evil grin formed. “K ran away from Hux after two sentences.”

Barriss chuckled. “But what’s he like, this friend of yours? I had trouble getting a read on him today. I think he was too nervous.”

Caam smirked. “Yeah, you scared him to death.”

Her face turned innocent, but there was a hint of satisfaction. “Did I? Huh. That’s odd. I was perfectly polite.”

She snorted. “And terrifying. Anyway, Jungi is cool. He’s different than alot of the others.”

“Different, how?”

“Well, he doesn’t have any family. So, Jungi can’t afford the stuff most of us have. Like, he’s the only one in the squad still using the standard-issue sword they gave us as apprentice soldiers. It’s not as if he's uber handsome or gallant, either. Still, it doesn’t seem to bother him that much. He’s also not all about being the best. Everyone in Bravo likes him. Even Hux, though he pretends not to. He’s a good friend and a loyal squadmate. Jungi is… just a nice guy, I guess?”

“Ah,” Barriss said thoughtfully, “now that makes sense.”

“It does?”

“Yes. Flashy, charming, and cocksure would not be the way to impress Karyna. Jungi sounds more her speed.”

Caam stiffened and tried to sound casual. “Really? Uh, why?”

A knowing gaze pinpointed on her. “Karyna sees who people really are and isn’t concerned with outward-facing traits. She prefers loyal and steady over bravado. If it’s someone who needs her support that’s even better. Overall, though, I'd say she’s drawn to people that are… different. Perhaps, Karyna feels more comfortable with them, since she’s always felt that way herself.”

“Oh.” Her stomach hollowed out. _I don’t think I’m like that, am I?_

Fingers rubbed her cheek. “What is it, Caam?”

She swallowed and then met the eyes that could see everything inside her. “You already know, don’t you?”

Barriss smiled. “Perhaps. I’m only giving you an opportunity to talk about it, if you want. If you don’t, that’s ok too.”

Leaning against Barriss’ chest, Caam mumbled, “Do you think I have a chance?”

“Of course, darling girl.”

“Even though I’m not anything like what you just said?”

“Oh, but you are to Karyna. She understands you better than anyone else in the world. What you show to others is not who you are to her. Though, it will be a long wait with no guarantee of success. You’re both still growing and becoming the people you will eventually be. It’s hard to tell what the future will bring.”

“Are you saying I might get over it?”

“Always possible. Either way, I think your path is the same.”

Caam pulled back to look at her. “What path?”

Barriss smiled. “The same one you’re on now. Become the person you want to be, explore the options around you, and enjoy as much of life as you can. Then, one day, whatever happens… happens.”

She blew out a breath. “Alright, I’ll do my best.” Caam had a sudden thought. “Did Mom tell you about, um, my thing?”

An eyebrow quirked. “What thing?”

Caam grimaced. “Guess that’s a no. I figured she’d tell you about it. That’s another reason I thought you might visit me. Maybe Mom thinks I don't want anyone to know or something.”

Barriss lifted her chin. “In that case, why don’t you tell me?”

“See, there’s this stage thing that Twi’leks have…” she trailed off, feeling weird saying it out loud.

Her mouth dropped open and hands gripped Caam’s face. “You’ve entered your Age of Decision?!”

Relief at not having to explain it made her heart swell. Barriss always understood what was in her head. “Yeah, that’s what Mom said.”

Fingers pressed into her cheeks as pained eyes squeezed shut. “I am so sorry, Caam. I’ve messed up more than I thought.”

Caam grabbed the hands from her face, anxiety rising once more. “Don’t worry about it. Please? Remember what you say about mistakes?”

A soft smile formed and dancing blue flickered back into view. “You’re right. I’ll try to do better. It’s only that I always intended to tell you about it. I thought there’d be more time. If I had been around as I should have, I might have noticed. At least, your Mom was there. I’m glad you felt comfortable talking to her about it.”

She grimaced. “It wasn’t easy, but it was worrying me a bit and everytime I tried to find you—” Caam halted and pasted a bright grin. “So, yeah, everything worked out fine, no worries!”

There was a cringe, followed by a steadying breath. “I’ll keep my promise and not focus on my failures. Instead, let’s talk about how you feel.”

Caam returned to Barriss’ chest with a content sigh. “Well, it’s kinda weird. Sometimes I feel like I’m a little kid still or something. Other times, it’s as if I’m a different person altogether.”

Arms slid around her, and a chin rested on her lekku. “Hmm, that’s got to be confusing to handle. What about physical symptoms?”

“Well, it’s mostly my chest and such. The biggest problem is my emotions are ridiculous, like out of control. Oh, and every soldier I know harassing me, which Mom says is normal. Actually, even ones I don’t know. The other day a Bith from Alpha company just walked up and asked to kiss me! When I said no, he started spinning his sword around trying to impress me and ended up accidentally stabbing himself in the foot! I felt so guilty I carried him to the infirmary.” She frowned. “It’s getting kinda old.”

“Ugh, that would be my worst nightmare.” The woman chuckled. “I thought you would enjoy it more, though. Perhaps, it’s because you’ve already… decided what you want?”

“Maybe.” Caam fell silent, knowing what she wanted to ask, but wasn’t sure how to approach it. Trying out different words in her head only made it seem more awkward.

“Just ask me, darling girl. It’ll be ok. Promise.”

Grinning, she pressed herself further into the comforting embrace. “I love you.”

Arms tightened around her and a happy voice replied, “And I love you. Now, what are you trying to figure out?”

“See, here’s the thing. Feeling like people are interested in me is nice mostly. And I really enjoy, um… trying, you know, _stuff_ with some of them.”

“Oh.” There was a pause and then Barriss asked, “You are doing what I taught you for that, right?”

A nervous giggle came out, and she cursed herself. _Act like an adult, Secura._ “Yeah, don’t worry.” Caam hesitated and then rushed out, “But it isn’t quite—it doesn't really make me happy. Everyone else acts like it makes them happy. What’s wrong with me?”

“Nothing, my dear. That’s normal, even for most of your friends. They may be mixing up temporary enjoyment with happiness. It takes maturity to understand the difference.” There was a small grunt. “Actually, some people never figure it out. That you have tells me again how amazing you are.”

“Maybe. I don’t really get the difference. It’s more like something’s missing, I guess?”

“Yes, that’s what I mean. Lots of things are enjoyable in life but don’t necessarily make us happy. True happiness comes from finding who you are, making a place in the world, and forging emotional connections with people. Doing that kind of thing with someone you love would be part of your overall happiness as a way to strengthen your relationship. Though, it’s not always necessary. Physical love is a very different thing than actually loving someone in the way we’re discussing. It is often part of a romantic relationship, but not because one is needed for the other.”

Caam tried to parse out the words but felt more confused than before. “Yeah, I’m not getting it.”

There was a small chuckle. “It’s alright. You will, eventually. I have faith in you.”

“Though, I do know it’s different with Karyna. If we did stuff, I’d want her to feel like I do about her. I need it to… mean something. And Kayo doesn’t think like that about me.”

“Gods, you are so special, Caam.” Barriss kissed her lekku and then continued, “Karyna’s not capable of thinking about you like that yet. Mirialans have a less pronounced development into adulthood than Twi’leks. She will reach where you are over a longer period. That’s why I said it would be a while, before you’d even be able to see what happens.”

She jerked up and cried, “If that’s true, why is she going with Jungi to the ball?!”

Barriss smiled. “That’s different than what you’re talking about, my dear. It’s still difficult for you to separate the child from the adult, probably. It will make more sense after you get through this period.”

“What does that mean?” she muttered.

“Well, Karyna may act like an adult sometimes, but she still has adolescent emotions. It’s a different kind of thing than what you’re talking about. It’s not just that you think she’s pretty or want to be with her like you are with others. It’s deeper, right?”

Caam nodded. “No one else makes me happy the way she does. It almost hurts sometimes.”

“As I thought. The deeper level you’re talking about hasn’t come for Karyna yet. That is part of maturity, becoming an adult. Does that make sense?”

“Yeah, think so. How long until she’s like me?”

Barriss chewed her lip. “It may be… well, there are different ways people approach things, my dear. The emotional growth we’ve been talking about will come as she gets older. However, the physical side is more—I suppose I’m trying to say it could be a few years before you have a better idea of what’s possible.”

“Oh.” Her throat tightened. “I’m not sure I’ll survive that long.”

“Yes, you will. I won’t say it won’t be tough, but you can do it. Believe me.” Barriss winked. “Do you know how many years I waited for Ahsoka? And, like you, I didn’t know if it would ever happen. Though, my wife would argue she's the one that waited for me,” she ended dryly.

Caam perked up. “Really? Will you tell me the story?” She flashed a brash grin. “I need as many tips as I can get.”

“Hmm… I’m not sure I’d recommend you following our example. In fact, I definitely don’t want you to.” She laughed. “Still, I suppose I owe you a free story or two. How about I tell you the next time you meet me here?”

Excitement flooded her heart. “Ok, when? Can it be more than once?”

Barriss brushed her cheek. “Of course. Whenever I’m in Shili, I take a walk to our rock after dinner. So, you show up whenever you want, alright? I’ll be here.”

Caam gazed at her with rising joy. “Promise?”

“Always.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This scene was meant to occur in the middle of the reconciliation between Barriss and Caam (after Barriss went MIA on her). I wanted to show Barriss working through her failure, while resuming her intense mothering to Caam. Also, it reinforces Caam's dependence on Barriss. Beyond that, the idea was to seed some of the romantic angst to come with Caam & Karyna as well as the introduce the various types of 'love' we explore further in.
> 
> However, the scene was extremely long for an already lengthy chapter. It also didn't convey anything that wasn't shown or inferred elsewhere. Any piece I felt was needed, I wove into future chapters. Additionally, when inserted into their reconciling convo, it seemed to take away some of the emotional punch of that moment. Lastly, I try not to deliver multiple pages of dialog in the same scene. Intercutting to other things to break it up wasn't possible at that point in the story. So, I slashed a majority of their 'catching up' conversation. You may or may not have noticed Caam refers to this conversation in Part 6 when talking to Barriss about physical vs. emotional connections as well as later in Part 5 when realizing she needs to wait for Karyna to get older before confessing her feelings. At the time, you didn't know the details of their conversation, but now you do!


	4. Rallying the Troops

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Luke recruits the other kids for special assignments in the aftermath of Ryloth. 
> 
> From Shining Future, Part 5: Recovery (Ch. 82)  
_Heavy spoilers for SF___

Luke addressed the assembled group, “Alright, everyone. I know we’re all hurting at the moment, but it’s time to step up. The people who’ve supported us now need our support. We’ll all be there for each other. It’s what our family does. Still, I thought we’d attempt an organized approach. Everyone gets an assigned person to handle, like a mission. It may sound weird, but that ensures no one gets left behind. You’re not limited to your mission, of course. It’s only a focus area of sorts. Is everyone ok with giving my idea a try?”

Leia quirked an eyebrow. “Unique idea, brother mine. You’re right, though.” She gave a determined nod. “It’s our turn to take care of things.”

There were several murmurs of agreement.

Luke smiled. “Great. So, here’s what I’ve come up with. Rie, you take Uncle Rex. He probably won’t open up to anyone but Asajj. Supporting him is the only way I can think of to help her too. It doesn’t hurt to remind them both we’re here, either way. Still, the approach is up to you. I’m sure you can figure out a better strategy than me. I’d end up just following him around as he piles blankets on everyone.”

There was a good deal of laughter, and the melancholy lifted for a few moments.

Resuming his assignments, Luke continued, “Beyond that, help Sabine with Hera. She lost her father, her kingdom, and her husband is… well, you know what I mean.” He tried to keep his tone light, but the mood turned somber once more at being reminded of Caleb’s precarious condition. “Anyhow, Hera needs as much support as we can give her.”

Shan returned a quick salute. “We’ll handle it.”

“Definitely,” Sabine added quietly.

Luke grinned. “I know.” Turning to Katooni, he said, “The healers say Ezra should be up and about by tomorrow, so he can check on Hera, as well. But you both could focus efforts on Jacen. This entire experience had to be traumatizing. And now his parents aren’t doing well. You’re most qualified to know how to approach a seven-year old, and Ezra has a strong bond with him.”

The woman tapped her chin. “Mina might help. A distraction from his distraught mother and injured father is a good start. It will give him an outlet for his anxiety. He shouldn’t sleep alone, either.”

“Excellent. Karyna, I believe you have the best chance of getting Luminara to respond. I already made a brief attempt, but it was like she wasn’t quite there.” His voice wavered. “Maybe she needs time to process. I don’t want her doing it by herself, though. So, just be with her but don’t push, ok?”

“I understand.” The vivid blue took on a fierce gleam. “I’ll figure out something. I promise.”

“If you hit an impasse and want to try something unconventional,” Leia suggested, “get Han to help.”

Karyna blinked. “Uh, ok.”

She chuckled. “I’m not joking. They have an odd bond. They were two convorees in a nesting pod during the miner dispute last year. If convorees enjoyed exploring shady areas of Coruscant and conducting highly suspect ventures, anyway. Ask my erstwhile husband about Luminara’s left hook.”

That got gapes from the entire group.

Putting up a hand, Luke commented, “Please, _never_ tell me that story. It might ruin my childhood.” He shifted attention. “Leia and Caam, I think both of you need to take on Aunt Barriss. She’ll be, uh, difficult.”

Leia snorted. “Difficult? Is that what we’re calling it these days? We’ll need an act of the Force itself to get her to stay in bed, much less tell us how she’s feeling. She'll insist on taking care of everyone and then probably pass out on top of Caleb.”

Caam flashed a grin. “Fortunately, she can’t move at the moment.”

“Never stopped her before,” Leia replied dryly. “We’ll have to be vigilant, my dear.”

“No problem.” Caam waved an airy hand. “We can always fall back on a tranquilizer.”

That got another round of laughter.

Karyna ventured tentatively, “Um, what about Aunt Ahsoka?”

A range of silent grimaces appeared. Luke sighed. “I’ve got her.”

Sabine pursed her lips. “You’re going to need help.”

He shrugged. “I’ll do the best I can and bring in reinforcements as needed.”

“What about my mom?” Caam put in. “She and Ahsoka are close.”

Luke smiled. “Yes, we’ve already talked about things, and she seems to be relatively ok. I think the best option for her is to have something useful to do. So, I plan to enlist both Aayla and Kit for my mission. I figured a diversity of approaches with Aunt Ahsoka couldn’t hurt.”

Shan raised eyebrows. “Let me know if you need some armed guards, as well.”

He laughed and then sobered. “This is kind of new for all of us, right? The people who usually take care of things are the ones who need to be taken care of themselves.”

Sabine ran a hand through her hair. “Our whole lives, whenever Ahsoka was upset, Barriss, Rex, or…” Her jaw twitched. “... Obi-Wan handled it.”

“Exactly my point,” Luke agreed. “Remember, it’s not a matter of reaching an objective goal. I’m not sure we know what success looks like. We’ll just do the best we can as we go. Like Uncle Rex says, when one strategy fails you try another.”

“We keep fighting, until we win or the war is lost,” Shan finished softly.

Floating his gaze across the anxious faces, Luke stated, “In this case, being there for our family _is_ winning. We can do this.”

Everyone straightened and then Leia grinned. “Damn right, we can.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This small scene is still one I enjoy for the group/family nature. It's purpose was to showcase Luke assuming the head of household role in the wake of the older generation being down for the count. Of course, it also illustrates the close knit bond of our family (especially the 'kids') and their ability to slide into the caregiver roles they've been on the receiving end of so often. In the end, though, it wasn't really needed. I wrote the critical scenes of recovery for each of the people mentioned here, so you didn't need to hear the assignments. And, once again, the recovery chapter(s) were already pretty extensive and needed time to focus on specific issues/people. This scene was nice but non-essential, so it got cut.


	5. Messy Perfection

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Karyna & Caam confront some challenges in their relationship.  
  
From Shining Future, Part 6: Time to Stand (Ch. 106)  
_Spoilers for SF_

Caam dragged Karyna flush against her body and wiggled a tongue into her mouth. _Finally._ The woman was usually so tentative in their romantic interactions. This time, her presence felt impulsive and eager. _Genuine. _

Until, Caam yanked away, dropping her arms and breathing heavily. “Sorry, went a little overboard. You asked for a kiss, not a wampa attack.” 

Karyna frowned as she assessed the penitent posture and darting gaze. “You still believe I only let you touch me just to make you happy. Don’t you?” 

There was a shrug. “Dunno.” 

Resisting the urge to grind her teeth, Karyna said, “I know it’s confusing. It is for me too. But just because I don’t have exactly the same kind of feelings as you doesn’t mean I don’t feel things.” 

Caam cringed. “Sorry, it’s not—you are—argh. See, here’s the thing. If we didn’t do any physical stuff at all that would be fine. It’s doing some things and not others or knowing when it’s alright to take the initiative that I can’t seem to manage.” 

She contemplated the response. “You want pre-defined boundaries. All or nothing is ok, but this is too much gray area. Is that it?” 

The girl slumped against the wall. “Yeah.” 

Karyna chewed her lip. “Ok, I can see that. Still, it’s not as murky as you seem to think. How far we go or what we do depends on your needs, as well. I kind of have the reverse issue. I’m trying to figure out when you want more and are afraid to say so. I can give it to you, if I know. Yet, you don’t want me to know something that could bring you enjoyment. It’s like you don’t believe me when I say giving you pleasure makes me happy.” 

“I do!” Her fingers twisted together. “Sort of. I guess I’m worried it won’t always or where the line is. I don’t want to go too far. You say yes to anything, everytime I ask. Then, you act as if you enjoy all of it. Seems like you’d have some kind of preference. I’m afraid you do and aren’t telling me. You make everyone else happy at the expense of yourself sometimes, Kayo. If you did that stuff for me, when you didn’t want to…” She shuddered. “I can’t handle the idea of hurting you, even by accident. It’s too much.” 

“Oh.” She winced. “Alright, I don’t know how to fix that. It’s just who I am. You being happy really does make me happy. I suppose there are specific parts I enjoy more, but not because I dislike the rest.” Karyna fidgeted with her ninjatō. “It still sounds like you’re assuming I don’t get anything out of it, as if you’re taking advantage or I’m doing you a favor. I wish you could experience what I feel, and you’d understand how much I _do._” 

Caam stared at the ground. “Like, uh, what?” 

Karyna rolled words around. “There’s actually alot that’s, well, about me. I love being closer to you. I have this amazing contentment in being held or stroked in certain ways. There’s an emotional connection that gives me a sense of completeness. I also get this intense thrill of satisfaction when—” Heat tinged her cheeks. 

Her head jerked up. “When what?” 

Looking everywhere but Caam, she mumbled, “When I make you—when I do something that results in you being extremely, uh, vocal in your reactions.” 

There was choked cough. “Ergm, glad to help.” 

Dragging her eyes back, she saw an expression between embarrassment and amusement. “Gods, we can’t even talk about it without being weird.” 

Caam snorted and then opened her mouth but quickly closed it. 

Karyna grabbed her hand. “Ask me. Please. Let’s get better at this.” 

Taking a deep breath, the woman straightened off the wall and interlocked their fingers. “Ok, I want to understand better. Do you ever feel physically—I don’t know how to describe it. Kinda as if sensitive areas in your body have a mind of their own and there’s an overwhelming need for… stimulation?” 

She contemplated. “Occasionally, maybe. I’m not sure it’s as intense as what you’re describing, though. It’s more like minimally distracting background noise? For a long time, I didn’t even know what the feeling was, probably because it didn’t usually occur in romantic situations. If I’m being honest, it’s still a bit difficult to identify. Your real question is do I ever feel that when we’re together, right?” 

A lek twitched. “Yeah, I guess.” 

Reaching up, Karyna twisted fingers over the woman’s cheek. “Every once in a while, but I don’t know what circumstances cause it. Like when I asked you to kiss me just now, it was there.” 

Her eyes bulged. “It was?” 

“Yes. You only responded to what I was communicating, even if I didn’t say it outright. Have faith in yourself, please.” 

Caam took her hand and kissed the knuckles. “I’ll try. Maybe I worry too much or there’s a better way to approach things.” She added wryly, “Of course, it might help if you simply say what you’re feeling.” 

She laughed. “Point acknowledged, my incredible Cabbage. I’ll tell you anything that you need to be ok with things.” 

Her fingers tightened around Karyna’s. “Including if I ask for something you don’t want to try or aren’t in the mood to do? No matter what?” 

An automatic yes formed, until she realized that was exactly what concerned Caam. _I actually don’t think about it. Is that because I always want to? I’ve never regretted it. Doesn’t that mean everytime makes me happy? Ugh. Guess I’ll figure it out as we go?_ Karyna nodded slowly. “I promise to consider what I want each time. We’ll talk until our throats are raw, if necessary. We can make this work.” She hesitated. “You, um, believe that, right?” 

She smiled. “That’s truth etched into the universe itself, Karyna Offee. Whether it takes a lifetime of conversations or we decide the physical side isn’t for us at all, it doesn’t change what is. Only one thing is important to me. Having you. As long as you're mine, I’ll be happy.” 

“Good, because I always will be.” Karyna gazed into the tawny eyes and realized she did have complete certainty on one piece. “Now, let me tell you a feeling that never changes.” She pulled the woman’s head down to hers. “Listen closely and don’t doubt this again.” Her mouth grazed Caam’s, barely making contact. Not allowing more than a momentary pause, she continued tagging Caam’s lips in the briefest of touches, while breathing a word between each brush of skin, “I… enjoy… kissing… you… every… single… time.” 

As the last syllable fell, hands shot up and gripped her face. Caam sunk into the kiss, not letting Karyna’s mouth leave hers. 

Warm contentment bathing her heart, Karyna Offee wrapped arms around the woman she loved and savored the perfection of imperfection. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this is the extended scene I mentioned cutting in my notes on the siege chapter of SF. This was cut for length and because it slowed the urgency/action of the lead-up to the siege breaking. 
> 
> I was trying to tease out more of Karyna & Caam's relatively new relationship. And, of course, these two together are just so charming I could write gobs more of them. Unfortunately, the siege chapter just wasn't a good place to do so. I needed to service alot of characters in limited space. I wanted to showcase the "final" version of specific characters, give parting moments between A/B & family members not covered in the prior chapter, set-up future events, establish everyone's location & assignment, ensure the Caecus were a cunning & realistic threat, and still move the immediate plot along. I originally drafted a VERY long chapter. This made the pace uneven and plodding. 
> 
> So, I went back and whacked chunks from multiple scenes. If you review that chapter, you'll notice each scene is relatively short. They also communicate a needed plot point for the battle or set-up later character choices. The Caamaryna one, on the other hand, was pure character development, fluffy, and longer. And that is AFTER I chopped all of the above out of it. Basically, the entire scene could have been cut without ramifications to the rest of the story. It didn't help matters that it had to go near the end of the chapter, when I was trying to build to the siege breaking. I pushed it back as early as possible to reduce that issue. Still, I couldn't stop the action for 6 pages to discuss their love life. It was awkward & jarring when we jumped backed to the action.
> 
> Otherwise, I think it's a great illustration of their developing relationship dynamics, challenges, & growth. Luckily, I have a deleted scenes work for such dilemmas!


End file.
